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Market Falling, Romance Rising
We need love more in times like these, relationship gurus say
kashmirhill@gmail.com
They say money can’t buy love. That could be a great motto for recession dating, since the downturn in the stock market seems to have driven a rally in the “meet” market.
Matchmakers, dating coaches and online dating services spokespeople all say they’ve seen a surge in demand for their services this year.
“People don’t want to be alone when times are tough,” said Sam Yagan, CEO of the free online dating site OKCupid.com.
Relationship expert Reid Milhalko put it less delicately: the recession is making us more promiscuous, he argued.
“People are stressed out about money, their jobs, the economy. One of the best ways to relieve stress is sex,” said Mihalko, who said his clients are falling into bed more often, and earlier in the dating process. “An orgasm is free.”
News reports have chronicled the incline for online dating in tandem with the decline of the Dow. Membership has increased dramatically on subscription sites like Match.com and PerfectMatch.com, up 17 percent and 60 percent, respectively, in May 2009, from the same time last year. Monthly fees of $35 to $50 to meet potential partners are a smaller investment than buying drinks in bars.
Yagan, whose site claims 3.2 million users, said he’s seen a 60 percent rise in site use since the beginning of the recession, and a doubling of daily messages sent and searches performed.
Part of the rise in use might be due to the growing social acceptability of online dating. But it also reflects the ways dating is changing in response to economic pressures.
Sally Nip, a medical technologist, and her boyfriend Kevin Wong, a grad student in accounting, have mastered the art of the frugal date. Both are 26.
“We really enjoy looking for fun and free/inexpensive activities,” Nip said in an email.
I met Nip and Wong in night court. I was working on a reporting assignment; they were also there watching – but were on a date.
They have other cheap nights out, such as a stroll through the Greenmarket on New York’s Union Square.
“We meet up after work there to grab free samples for snacks, and afterward, we spend an hour or two in the Barnes and Noble reading free magazines,” Nip said.
To lavish attention on a potential partner without lavishing cash, suggested Paul Falzone, head of the national matchmaking service The Right One, focus on activities, instead of expensive dinners.
“Go walking in Central Park, rent a movie, fly a kite, walk your dog together,” he said. “As long as you can communicate during the date and get to know the person, that’s what you want to accomplish.”
Men are still usually expected to pay for the first date. But dating coach Art Malov advises his male clients to keep the first date simple, as spending a lot of money can make both people feel uncomfortable.
“The first date shouldn’t be fancy. If the date doesn’t go well, a guy shouldn’t have a problem picking up a check, since it’s not a large amount,” said Malov. “Alternation is better. You get something; she gets something. You get dinner, she gets drinks. Splitting is just messy and not elegant.”
Single types I spoke with said they were more likely to meet for drinks instead of for dinner. Men say they’re choosing not to ask out women with whom they don’t click right away, while women say they’re open to more frugal wooing.
“I still want flowers, but I don’t need roses,” said Dayna McGill, a 27-year-old medical school student. “Daffodils from Trader Joe are only $1.29 for ten. Don’t bring me carnations though. And we don’t need to take a taxi. Walking’s romantic anyway,” she said.
The start-up costs of a new relationship can often be high — meaning men are less likely to ask someone out if they don’t feel an immediate strong connection.
“I always pay for everything, even though I’m resentful of doing that after an awful date,” said Oren Petranker, a 26-year-old nurse. Like most men surveyed, he said he hasn’t yet asked a first date to split a bill – though he’s been tempted.
“I think I should just say ‘screw it,’ and adopt the ‘split if on a bad date’ policy. Judging by the fact that I’m still single, the bad dates would most certainly outweigh the good dates, leading to monumental savings.”
I had a chance to think about some of these ideas on a series of first dates this spring. Potential paramours treated me to several expensive spots: a high-end Chinese restaurant, an exclusive speakeasy and a trendy bar. With the dinner bill close to $200 and drinks at the nightspots starting at $13, I grew uncomfortable. Left to my own devices, I’d be looking for lower-priced entertainment.
I should have been happy to have suitors splurge on me, right? But I wasn’t. Eventually, the reason dawned on me. I’m attracted to great conversation, a height of six feet and a sense of humor. But I’m also attracted to frugality. These days, the ability to exercise financial restraint is the sexiest quality of all.
A beer at a free party can trump cocktails at a pricey bar.
Photo by Kashmir Hill