Holiday

Techno-Etiquette

It seems the next logical step, text messaging for a date. But will you get virtually shut down?

  andrewbutler@nyu.edu

You want to ask that cute coworker or classmate out for Valentine’s Day, but can’t get up the gumption to do it in person. Is it okay to ask for a date via email? What about a MySpace comment? Writing on a Facebook wall? Sending a text message? AIM? Voice mail?

We’ve never had so many chances to come across charming and attractive, and so many opportunities to prove we’re neither. Yet this array of options often leaves us confused about which tech tools are appropriate for which interactions.

“I guess I romanticize the days when the only thing you could do is see someone in person,” says Nathan Reichenthal, 20, a Houston native and an architecture and art student at New York University. “But in modern society, you can’t function without all these different media.”

He’s right, but that hardly makes techno-etiquette any less bewildering. And what about your Valentine’s Day dilemma? Can you ask that special someone out for coffee by email or a Facebook wall post? Or would that be insultingly impersonal?

It may not be insulting, but it’s definitely impersonal.

“A ‘let’s go for a drink’ wall post on Facebook holds less social value than a direct phone call and asking someone out,” says Maz Hardey, a doctoral student studying digital social media at The University of York in England. “This is because the phone call is private, direct, synchronous, in real time and personal.” Translated: actually talking to your crush is more meaningful than leaving him or her note on a bulletin board in cyberspace.

Hardey writes a Facebook etiquette blog (http://properfacebooketiquette.blogspot.com) and says that online etiquette is complicated by many factors, such as how well you know the other person, and the medium of communication.

Even the simple question of how to address an e-mail—with Dear or Good Morning —can be a issue. Ann Marie Sabath, author of “One Minute Manners: Quick Solutions to the Most Awkward Situations You’ll Ever Face at Work” and founder of etiquette company At Ease Inc., says formalities like Dear and Sincerely are meant for letters, not email. A simpler greeting, like hello or good morning, and the recipient’s name, should suffice.

Here are some guidelines for common social interactions, based of the advice of Ms. Hardey and Sabath:

Asking for a first date

Email? “Absolutely. It’s a great introduction,” says Sabath.
Text Message? Maybe, but it’s a little distant.
Facebook Wall? No. Too public for a serious proposition.
Voice Mail? Yes, but don’t be rude and hang up when you get to a recording; leave a message.

“I love you”
Hardey recommends a face-to-face declaration, “so that both can share in the rapture.” But for an established couple, a quick text “thinking about you. I love you” during the day can be a sweet gesture.

“I hate you”
It’s more gratifying and more productive to have it out in person, Hardey says, rather than engaging in “a to-ing and fro-ing” of hurtful and disruptive communications.

Break-ups
Never do it through an electronic medium, says Hardey. It’s unacceptably rude, and implies that you don’t value the other person.

Technology and romance are not mutually exclusive. After all, Match.com claims 15 million users and hundreds of thousands of happy couples. But just like a name-tag can’t substitute for your autobiography, texting can’t replace conversation, and instant messaging will never be the basis of a healthy relationship.

“Ultimately, electronic communication is a way of avoiding true intimacy,” says Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, psychologist, relationship mediator and founder of Everyone Wins Mediation in New York City. “For those who fear commitment, intimacy and deeper connection, it is the great escape.” It’s counterintuitive that we could use our unprecedented connectedness to disconnect, but as Dr. Shoshanna points out, technology allows us to distance ourselves from the difficult parts of a relationship.

So what about your Valentine’s Day date? Some experts would argue that if you can’t work up the courage to ask in person, then you don’t deserve the time and attention. So unless you’re asking your Valentine’s crush out to a virtual dinner and a movie, maybe you had better not make a virtual proposition. Etiquette is basically a sign of respect, so think twice before you send that text message. If you really mean it, you’ll call.

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